Happy Pride Month! Coming out can be one of the most confusing and difficult periods of your life. It wasn’t until recently in my adult life that I formally “came out” and started living my best authentic self. Yes, the very openly bisexual sex blogger finally gave herself the label – why the F did it take me so long?
You see the thing is…bisexuality is a bit of a grey area in the LGBTQ+ space. I know what you’re thinking – “Julieta, isn’t this the most accepting community?”. In many ways yes, but it took me a long time (24 years to be exact) to come to terms with it.
No matter what, coming out is scary. It can mean feeling conflicted with ourselves, embracing new issues with those around us who may not understand, and also navigating an entirely new world.
Long Story Short: I’ve Always Been BiIt was clear my entire life that I wasn’t completely straight. There were super small queues in my daily life scenes, as many will experience. From making my female toys interact with each other or being intrigued by images of gay men making love, I found this “feeling” so fascinating. Obviously, that feeling was me being turned on, and it was magic AF, babe.
One of my bisexual superpowers is that I appreciate sexual attraction in ALL it’s forms, so it is easy to connect with others and be turned on by many scenarios. Early on, I didn’t realize how great this was – so how did I explore it?
How I Explored Early Bisexuality
As many fellow bi-babes can relate, we know we are bisexual but don’t express it for most of our lives. It was in high school where I indulged parts of my sexuality with caution. I was incredibly shy about my same-sex attractions, so it usually came out in masturbation or playing around with my best friends when we were at parties, in front of other guys, etc.
Primarily, I started viewing lesbian porn or fooling around with my friends as a joke. While super innocent, I found it pivotal in seeing that my sexuality was…fluid. These moments of indulgence felt so exciting, and were things that kept me up at night when I thought about them. Although it was all in good play, what if I took it further? What would happen if I went all the way with one of my friends?
As I grew up and learned about sexuality, I still struggled with defining these moments and what they meant. Why? Was I gay? Bi-curious? Straight? What the hell did this all mean?
When I got married, I was able to express my bisexuality more freely. I was lucky to have a husband who was very accepting of me being into women. He also helped me explore those feelings through a few group interactions we had. He supported me watching girl on girl porn, we hit on women together, and I felt like… me. As one of the first people to validate my bisexuality, it was a huge stepping stone.
What It Means To Be Bi
I, like many, was taught incorrectly that bisexuality meant being 50/50 attracted to men and women. For a long time, this definition kept me from embracing bisexuality – I had always been in relationships with men, and found my attraction to women to be few and far between. Knowing what I know now, bisexuality is very fluid. There are no percentages, and it does not necessarily mean you are attracted to only two genders. For this reason, bisexuality and pansexuality can be a bit confusing and share many of the same qualities.
So, as it’s clear that I’m bisexual, why did it take me so long to embrace the title as an educated, bi-AF-woman?
I Didn’t Feel Like I Earned My Coming Out
Being a part of the LGBTQ+ community is a big deal to me. This is a group of beautiful, loving, authentic people who have fought so hard to be themselves — and love who they want to love. For the vast majority, claiming one’s identity in the LGBTQ space can be very traumatic. It can mean losing support from your loved ones, family, friends, and even losing things like your job or safe housing.
I am fortunate to have been raised in a very open, accepting family. My parents knew from a young age that I was sexual, and having same-sex attraction wasn’t going to (and didn’t) change any dynamic for me. I had no official “coming out.” I simply was who I was. Due to this, I felt like I hadn’t really earned my bisexual title. I hadn’t gone through the journey, the pain, and the struggle that most folks go through in coming out. Undoubtedly, that gave me immense amounts of shame.
With this shame, came my years and years of calling myself hetero-flexible. This is a fancy term to say you’re straight, but might dip your toes into the same corner from time to time.
In short, I was clearly dishonoring my identity while also creating stigma for bisexuals. This stigma for bisexuals creates a slew of problems, and I didn’t want to be a part of that problem anymore. I am a bisexual woman, no matter how much my attraction or interactions sway for each gender.
Bi-Erasure Is Real
By not embracing the title of being a bisexual, I contributed to a huge issue in the community: bi-erasure. Ironically, within the LGBTQ+ community, bisexuals are often scrutinized as gays who “haven’t fully come out” or are “confused.” I believe this stigma lives much stronger for bisexual men who are taunted and told they are only attracted to men. For bisexual women, I see a strong push of unwanted sexualization. As an example, this may come in the form of assuming a bisexual woman is always down for a threesome in a relationship.
For me, I found that sharing my bisexual status in sexual relationships always opened this door. The threesome door, the “I can be with other women because you will like them too” door. Little did my partners know (to their disappointment) that I strongly prefer same sex interactions in bigger group settings, or 1:1. Sorry, boys.
Community Is Life
Coming out when I did was made easier by my community. Over the past year, I’ve made connections with incredible bisexual folks who validated my experiences and helped me find my identity. It’s also helped me be the door to show other, on-the-fence bisexuals that they too can embrace their titles. But it isn’t just a title – it’s who I am to my core; it’s my livelihood, and it’s how I embrace the big and small things in my life. I always preach that who we are sexually is who we are in our day-to-day life. I’ll be damned, I am so bisexual it shines and I’m proud of it!
Bottomline, bisexuality is superfluid and we can embrace the title no matter how our attraction sways. Whether you’re 50/50 on your attraction or even 1/99, it doesn’t matter: you’re a valid, wonderful, and real bisexual.
About The Author
Julieta Chiara is a sex-positive blogger and social media specialist, with a primary focus around female sexuality, empowerment, and normalization of sex education. She works with dozens of brands to write blogs and product reviews, create content, and raise awareness. You can find her on Instagram @julietachiara or her blog @ julietachiara.com.