Talking to your partner about sex isn’t always easy. In fact, it can be downright nerve-wracking!
I’ve been there, afraid to say the wrong thing, not wanting to make my partner feel like they’re not kinky enough or sexy enough for me.
So where does that leave us when we have a fantasy we want to make into reality?
For context, I’m a self-professed kinkster in an open relationship with my long-term partner, so I’m no stranger to having these challenging conversations with multiple lovers. On a professional level, I’m also a coach for people in open relationships, helping them learn to communicate healthily to increase their intimacy and improve their sex lives.
Fantasies Are A Healthy Part of Sexuality
Our fantasies might differ from those of our partners, and might also evolve over time. No matter who or what you fantasize about, having fantasies is a healthy part of sexuality, and nothing to be ashamed of!
But that doesn’t mean it’s any easier for us to talk openly about our desires. We might be afraid that we’ll be judged or misunderstood, that our partners will think we’re too kinky for them, or that they’ll think our fantasy is weird (or that we are).
How To Turn Your Fantasy Into Reality
I’ve had a LOT of experiences talking to my lovers about my kinks — from getting tied up and flogged to opening up our (previously) monogamous relationship. While many of these conversations resulted in my lover saying, “sure, let’s talk about what that might be like for us,” sometimes, these chats didn’t go as smoothly.
There were also times when my partner wasn’t into my particular kink — and that’s totally fine! I would never try to coerce or pressure anyone into doing something that made them feel uncomfortable, regardless of their reasons. The essence of consent is: NO MEANS NO!
But we’re not psychic, so we won’t know how our partners will feel unless we talk to them first.
So here are 6 tips for sharing your fantasies with your partner – to help ease you into initiating those kinds of convos, and have the fantastic sex you’ve been fantasizing about.
1. Stay Calm And Don’t. Freak. Out.
Yeah, yeah, easier said than done, right?
If you’re anything like me, you tend to overthink things and build them up in your mind until you’re feeling overwhelmed.
But by overthinking, we add extra stress and weight to what could otherwise be a pretty normal conversation. And our partner will probably notice our tension, which might make them feel tense, too.
So take a hot bath, masturbate, exercise, meditate… do whatever helps you chill out. Rinse and repeat until you’re feeling confident before proposing a new idea to your lover.
2. Get Inspiration From The Movies
Before introducing something new to your partner, it helps to take their temperature first and see what they think of your sexy ideas.
Whether you want to role play with your partner and take on different personas (e.g. the opening scene of Four Christmases), get dominated by your partner (Secretary), or enjoy a threesome with your male partner and another woman (Professor Marston and the Wonder Women), incorporating these kinds of media into your movie date nights is a perfect conversation starter.
Once the scene / movie is over, talk to your partner. Ask them things like, “ooh, I thought that was so hot! What did you think of that?”; “have you ever done that before?” or “do you think that’s something you’d like to try with me?”
This will give you more insight into how they might feel or react if/when you decide to have a more in-depth chat with them.
3. Educate Your Partner… and Yourself
When I move out of my comfort zone, I like to know what I might be getting myself into (and the potential risks involved), and also to help direct my partner to resources to understand what exactly they might be involved in if they agree to try it with me.
While you can easily find some hot sex moves to try in Cosmo or the Kama Sutra, experimenting with things like pleasureful pain or group sex can be much more complicated.
Before I delved into BDSM for the first time, for instance, I learned about the impact of the words and toys used in this kink space, and the ways in which my play partners and/or I could get hurt (emotionally and physically). I discovered that some of my previously held ideas were wrong, and I would never have known that had I not taken the time to look deeper.
4. Watch Porn Together
Finding porn scenes that turn you on and sharing them with your lover can be a hot bonding experience… and can also give you both some kinky new ideas.
Porn is a more direct way than sharing movies (from my above tip) to show your lover what you want, and get them all riled up as you fantasize together.
This is how one of my partners and I ended up having our first threesome!
He was watching porn and masturbating, and I was curious to join and see what was turning him on so much. The scene was a hot threesome with two women and a guy. Before that point, we hadn’t talked about the possibility of a ménage à trois. But after we watched the scene and played together (and our orgasm haze had cleared!), he asked how I’d feel about doing that in real life. I was very excited about the idea, so we started discussing who, what, when, and where. The threesome didn’t materialize right away, but the fantasy alone turned us on for quite some time before the real thing happened, adding a big spark to our sex lives.
5. Read Erotica to Each Other
Whether you write your own erotic stories or prefer to draw inspiration from other erotica authors, taking turns reading to each other gives you a chance to see how they react… not to mention, a creative way to experiment with role play by taking on the personas of different characters.
I LOVE writing erotic stories, and it turns me on so much when my lovers continue writing the tales! This also takes a lot of the pressure off sharing my fantasies with them. They can also take their time in writing back, which gives them breathing room to process how they might feel.
Recently, I started writing a story to get an idea of how one of my male lovers would react to the idea of having an orgy at a sex club with me. I didn’t finish the story, instead asking my lover to continue where I left off (at the point where we walk in to the club and see all these sexy people having sex, inviting us to join them). He was SO aroused by the idea, and went into great detail, describing the things he would want to do and see in that scenario. His fantasies aligned with mine, and we made all of them happen!
For a quicker fix or as a prequel to a longer story, you can also try sexting (photos optional!): which is a fantastic way to communicate your desires.
6. Create a Sex Jar
The idea is simple: cut up paper into strips, and divide them equally among yourself and your lover. Each of you have to secretly write down some sexy ideas and fantasies. Fold up the papers and put them into the jar. On date nights, or whenever the occasion arises, you can take turns pulling out one slip of paper.
Sure, you can always opt out if you don’t want to follow through with one of these ideas, but the spontaneity and fun of this game often brings on more positive reactions… and, at the very least, these can serve as conversation starters for a broader chat later on!
Hopefully these tips give you some fresh ideas for ways to talk to your partner. And even if they’re not into trying it, that’s okay! By being open-minded and talking to each other, you might find other sexy and kinky things to try together that bring both of you satisfaction.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Drawing from her own real-life experiences in a kinky and unconventional lifestyle, Lexi Sylver’s mission is to promote sexual empowerment and education by guiding others to shamelessly explore their Lexuality. Lexi is the erotica author of Mating Season: Erotic Short Stories (2020), as well as an entrepreneur, advocate, educator, public speaker and coach for consensual non-monogamy and the swinging lifestyle. She regularly contributes articles about sexuality and relationships to Pornhub’s Sexual Wellness Center, ASN Lifestyle Magazine, SDC.com and her personal blog. She also produces and hosts SDC.com’s sexuality podcast, Seek, Discover, Create with Lexi Sylver. Get Lexual with her at LexiSylver.com and on Instagram and Twitter @lexisylver.