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Destigmatizing Butt Play: How to Unlock the Back Door

Posted by Maud Purinton on

I can remember exactly where I was when I first heard Jhene Aiko’s line on Omarion’s song “Post To Be” where she raps: “gotta eat the booty like groceries.” I can’t say that this is a bad thing, but out of all the things I can vividly flashback to while growing up, this one makes me giggle. This infamous line blew up everywhere on social media platforms, reactions ranging from memes, disgust, and similar to me: laughter.

But why? Is it a warrant for ridicule if a woman states her interest in having her ass eaten?

It all starts with the taboo topic of butt play. So let’s break down these stigmas and unlock the bolted shut backdoor, pun intended. 

Butt play is an umbrella term that includes anal penetration, analingus, and anal fingering. Just recently, ass eating has become one of the world’s favorite meme-able trends. Right on its coattails are comfortable conversations of anal pleasure.

Increasing Popularity of Anal Porn By Men & Women

In the past decade, anal porn has seen a significant increase in popularity. In 2015, Vice partnered with Pornhub to find the exact statistics behind the category. They said, “there has been an overall growth in the popularity of anal searches of 120 percent in the United States and 78 percent worldwide.”

It should also be noted that although Pornhub is predominantly geared towards men, in 2019 they shared their “Year in Review” that illustrated men and women’s most popular searches – and anal was ranked at the same level.

Via Pornhub

The shared interest between men and women is clear when it comes to anal. Vogue also confirmed that “Butt sex is on trend”. If we put the numbers aside and explore the pop culture perspective, it’s undeniable that Jhene Aiko is not alone. Butt play is continually referenced in popular songs and all over the internet, both by women and men.

The Stigma of Butt Play

We all have a butt, so why is there still a stigma around pleasuring them? The answer is society’s judgmental eyes.

Society’s Lens for Straight Men: Gay Panic

The quickest way to get a room full of straight men uncomfortable is to talk about their buttholes. Time and time again I have brought it up with my hetero homies and their immediate response has always been, “I would never be into that… I’m not gay!” In this day and age, an immediate rejection of butt play for its “gay-ness” is a frustrating response to me.

Why in the world are people so turned off by the idea of experimenting a mutually beneficial pleasure point with their partner?

I hate to break it to you straight men, but(t) the feeling of even just one finger in your butt can make you cum harder than you ever have before. Trust me, I’ve seen it. I would love to understand what is homosexual about a man and a woman alone, in a bedroom, with hands and tongues all over each other's private parts.

Sorry boys, Dictionary.com verifies that you are only gay if this applies to you, “of, relating to, or exhibiting sexual desire or behavior directed toward a person or persons of one’s own sex.”

When I press my guy friends on it, the usual response is a visible cringe and a timid attempt at avoiding the subject. I firmly believe that the only way that stigmas can be broken is to have those potentially awkward conversations. When I occasionally get a bite from a curious man, most responses are generally the same: “if you enjoy having something in your ass, you’re probably gay or at least bi.” This is also another frustrating response, but something that I can at least dissect a little more.

The hangup that seems to be a commonality is the physical object entering a guy’s ass whether that be a finger, butt plug, or strap on.

Some people won’t budge with their perspective. I’m hoping that as I get older, more men become comfortable enough with their own sexuality to consider it. At the end of the day, in my opinion, that is how you have the best sex. For all my straight male friends who won’t even consider ass play…YOUR LOSS!

Men aren’t the only ones exempt from judgement with regard to butt stuff and that should also be noted…

Society’s Lens for Women: The Double-Edged Sword 

When talking to many of my girl friends, I often hear two main stigmas that turn them off to butt stuff. First, women who do anal are commonly seen as as a “slut” or “easy.” Second, ironically, some women feel as though anal sex isn’t actually sex.

In my early years of college, I heard guy friends sharing that their girl was so much hotter because they “allowed them to stick it in her ass”. Interestingly enough, many of these guys are the same ones that throw a fit when I even show my interest in exploring their nether region. Hmph, this is a doozy, and not to mention unbelievably rude!

I think this is where pressure can be very dangerous for women. No one should feel that they have to do something to meet the standard of other “hotter women”. For many, your first time with anal might not be your best; if it's due to lack of education and preparation, it may be hard to try again if you’re not with the right person and have the right tools! 

The opposite opinion, that women feel as though anal isn’t sex – perhaps because of the famous comedic song “The Loophole” which states, “F*ck me in the ass because I love Jesus” – isn’t something that I have personally encountered since high school, so I really hope that mindset is getting more and more outdated as sex positivity and education is growing.

So now let me hit you with some facts and tips. 

Butt Play Facts To Know

Men and women can both benefit from anal pleasure. Men have a cluster of nerves in their prostate similar to that of the clitoris nicknamed the Male G-Spot or P-Spot and it is located about 2 inches inside a males rectum. Women can also get pleasure from butt play when done safely and correctly. Toys, fingers, and dicks can hit women’s G-spot from inside their ass -- let me tell you, that is a game changer.

If you are not prepared for butt play in the bedroom, there is a lot of room for embarrassment and even pain, and that can be very intimidating. But sticking with it and having an open dialogue when trying new stuff out will certainly help.

As a straight woman who prefers being dominant in the bedroom and enjoys giving anal pleasure, a power dynamic may feel in place…this can be FUN and hot! Use this to your advantage and maybe as an opportunity to role play. 

Tips and Tricks to Getting Started With Anal Play

  1. Communicate To Get Comfortable. 

    Have conversations before trying anything out. Talk about boundaries, create a safe word if that’s more your speed, openly speak about what interests you about butt stuff and what turns you off, what fantasies can be fulfilled and how exactly you and your partner want to execute them. 

  2. Education. 

    A quick search on the trusty old internet will help you immensely. Some really good resources that I personally have used include: How to Give the Gift of a Prostate Orgasm, 26 Anal Foreplay Tips You Probably Can’t Live Without, and Why You Shouldn’t Be Afraid of Butt Play.

  3. Clean Yo Self.

    Let’s be real, butts are still butts – and, yes, everybody poops out of them. When exploring butt stuff you need to be prepared for everything that might get involved, and sometimes it’s not always clean fun. The question “to douche or not to douche?” is heavily debated. There are both pros and cons to anal douching. In my opinion, it really is not necessary most of the time, and a shower or bath with a little focus will get the job done. Pro Tip: use a WaterSlyde aquatic stimulator to clean yourself (and your partner) up while getting aroused and prepped for the bedroom.

  4. Lube. 

    AND LOTS OF IT! Less is more does NOT apply to lube. Unlike the vagina, the anus does not self-lubricate which means lube is a necessity for the safest and best anal play. There are so many different lubes to choose from and I recommend starting with Cosmo’s article that includes many different types of anal lube. For a body-safe, water-based lube that is both long lasting and moisturizing, check out Lovability's Hallelubeyah personal lubricant and moisturizer.

  5. Foreplay. 

    Don’t get defeated! This may take a little time, and going slow and steady is the best for all foreplay, in my opinion. Use fingers, use tongues, work your way into getting more comfortable in the area by starting small with one finger, then two.

  6. Toys. 

    Shop around! If you’re interested in going to the next level, invest in some anal toys and butt plugs –  there are so many nowadays that include vibrating functions or cock rings. Check out Bustle’s article that highlights “Genius Sex Toys Created By Women”.

Butt play may seem like an intimidating adventure to pursue, and it’s okay to feel overwhelmed and at first embarrassed. Having open conversations with your partner is a great place to start trying to remove judgement and stigmas, because in reality these stigmas are rooted in factually incorrect feelings that get promoted by society. No, you are not gay if you are a straight man interested in pursuing a prostate pleasure point and, yes, anal sex is real sex.

So let’s get out there and break these outdated stigmas and start - or continue - having bomb-ass sex. Let me know in the comments if you have any other great butt play tips!


A senior in William & Mary and St Andrews’ joint degree program for English has always been passionate about initiating conversations around sexual destigmatization and female sex positivity.  Maud (@maudpurinton on Instagram) is an avid skier and mixed media artist and looks forward to pursuing a career in fashion and beauty PR after she graduates.

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