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How To Have Healthy Friendship Sex

Posted by Julieta Chiara on

Friendship sex – a taboo, or a hidden gem in this world?

Traditionally, having sex with your friends is viewed as a grey area. Are you together? What does it mean? Are you exclusive? The thing is, friendship sex – often referred to as “Friends with Benefits” – is whatever you want it to be!

Let’s smash the idea that women get attached when having sex, and discover how friends can rock your world — no strings attached.

What’s a Friend with Benefits?

Scene from Friends With Benefits to define the term: "No relationships. No emotions. Just sex."

Simply put, it’s a friend you have sex with – why not? I’m a single, busy business owner who doesn’t want a relationship, but I have divine friends to whom I’m attracted. We’ve been told our entire lives to deny our attraction to our friends when being attracted to our friends is the most sensible. These are people we know, have developed bonds with, and there’s usually a good level of care and respect. 

The best sex I’ve had to date has been with friends. It’s comfortable, hilarious, fun, explorative, and incredibly supportive. I feel respected as an individual, without any gross or naggy feelings of ownership or jealousy. Out of everyone, these are the people I feel primarily inclined to have sex with. 

The Stigma of Friendship Sex

Scene from Legally Blonde: high school girl pondering.

The worst part of friendship sex is literally the stigma. What will people think of me? What will our friends think? Is it wrong? 

The thing is, “right” and “wrong” are super-charged words for situations heavily relying on your intentions. There are marriages where people are absolutely terrible for each other. There are romantic relationships that are toxic and lead to chaos. If you have a healthy friendship that includes sex and doesn’t interfere in your life, what’s the problem with that? Nada. 

You are the queen of your castle. If it feels fun, right, and appropriate I say go for it. 

Smash the “Women Get Attached” Misconception

Nothing grinds my gears more than men trying to mansplain what my sex life is supposed to be. Anytime I bring up having sex with a friend, the answer is always the same: “You’ll get attached,” “Sex is different for women,” “It will lead to a relationship.”

Scene from Schitt's Creek: "No, I won't." Stigmas around friendship sex need to be crushed.

As women, we are NOT wired differently. We love casual sex. We love having friends with benefits and sexual independence without the expectation of love or a relationship. And we shouldn’t be worried about our body count.

Why is it so difficult to believe that women want to enjoy sex with someone they know, but not have to commit to something like romance? I mean, babe- I want an orgasm, I don’t necessarily need or want to see your toothbrush in my bathroom. 

Like anything, friends & sex can go together smoothly as long as you follow some golden rules.

How To Have Healthy Friendship Sex

I know exactly the situation you’re in. You have a friend you’ve been flirting with forever and you’re both right on the edge of taking the jump into bed together. Or, you’ve fooled around and then never talk about it and make it awkward when in reality you would love to continue your fun. In your head you have a million thoughts running: What if we catch feelings? What if they want a relationship when I don’t? Will this ruin our friendship? What if I want to see other people?

If you’re attracted to your friends, how can you partake in sexy play without making it more than it is? Here are our tips for healthy friendship sex.

Communicate & Set Boundaries

Scene from New Girls: Successful and healthy friendship sex requires boundaries.

Communication and boundaries are pivotal in any relationship, including FWB (and maybe more so!). Usually, the ickiest feelings around having sex with your friends are wondering where it will go, or if it will turn into something it’s not. Voice them, babe. 

When I start having sex with a friend, I like to sit down or have a phone call before hand to discuss some boundaries that are important to me. For example, I’ll list some of my own boundaries when it comes to my interactions.

  • We are friends, and I do not want a relationship nor expect one. 
  • We’re respectful of each other’s time and don’t feel entitled to it. 
  • We aren’t exclusive, I still want to see other people.
  • Protection and regular STD/STI checks are important to me and my health. 
  • If one of us develops feelings for each other, it’s safe to voice it and see where we go from there. 
  • If our sexual relationship ends, no hard feelings. Friends first. Sex second. 

What are some boundaries or talking points that come to mind for you? What can you discuss with your friend that would make you feel comfortable and excited to move forward with sex? How can you create these healthy boundaries that draw the line between friends and romance? At the end of the day, they can be anything as long as they work for both of you. There is no right or wrong in these situations. 

Common Friendship Sex Questions:

How long should friendship sex last?

FWB should last as you want it to! My partners and I usually let this part “flow” and see how it goes in phases. We get busy with life, we may not see each other often or we see each other more than usual. Regardless, there is no hard start or stop, nor hard feelings should we drift away from each other. 

Why do “friends with benefits” end?

Shalita Grant dodges feelings, a no-no for friendship sex.

The two most common reasons an FWB situation ends is one person enters a relationship with someone else or one person catches feelings that aren’t reciprocated. In my personal experience with both scenarios, I have compassion. I thank my partner for the fun but let it be clear it’s not what I’m looking for. Or I simply support them on their new journey with a committed partner. Yay!

How to deal with rejection?

Rejection can happen before ever even starting a sexual relationship with your friends, or it can happen during. Of course, bringing up your attraction to your friend has the possibility of rejection being an answer. This is okay! Whether your friend isn’t mutually attracted or feels it could be detrimental to your relationship, you must respect their choice. In my experience, the friendship continues as normal without any hard feelings. Don’t make it more than it needs to be!

If rejection happens during your sexual interactions, it’s good to have a chat. When I experience feelings of wanting to reject a partner, it usually stems from behaviors that put me off. I try my best to communicate these, and why I would like to end our sexual relationship. 

Should we tell partners we’ve had sex with our friends?

Hooking Up TV Land Gif by Younger TV. Should you tell your other friends when you're having friendship sex?

You’re in a new relationship and feel embarrassed to tell your partner you’ve had sex with some friends they may know. Do you hide it? Well, you can choose to not say anything of course. I personally like to disclose who I’ve mingled with to avoid any “surprises” in the future- especially if we are in the same friend circle. 

Friendship Sex Can Be Easy, Babe

Homecoming Gif "It's That Simple" - healthy friendship sex doesn't have to be so complicated.

Truly, it’s pretty simple. If you’re feeling the vibe and so are they, explore it! As long as communication, boundaries, and feelings are mutual there is no reason to put a stop to some fun, sexual adventures with your friends.

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