Low libido affects many people, regardless of gender. The loss of sex drive can manifest in little or no sexual desire. You’ve probably had those days when instead of having sex with a partner or masturbating, you would rather read a book or go straight to sleep. While it’s completely normal to experience sexual roller coasters during our lives, libido issues might also affect your relationships and the way you feel about yourself.

For a long time, I’ve believed that just by being young and healthy, I should pulsate sexual energy. In reality, I have a job, I need to pay my bills, there’s a pandemic going on, and sex is sometimes the last thing on my mind. 

Why can’t I get “in the mood”?

Sexuality is a complex concept influenced by both your mental and physical well-being. You should feel secure, respected, and appreciated to get turned on by yourself or a partner. Your physical state is also important. When I’m tired, in pain, or even hungry, I can’t think about having sex. I might try to push myself, but I feel worse in the end, and my partner feels guilty for even starting something.  

Aside from basic human needs, there are countless reasons why you can’t get horny. Here are some of the reasons you might experience a lower libido and ways you can unleash your sexual energy again.

7 Reasons For Low Libido

Your medicine cabinet 

You may be surprised at how many common or prescription drugs in your medicine cabinet come with unexpected side effects. Steroids, antidepressants, opioids might mess with your reproductive hormones and reduce your desire for sex. Using hormonal birth control may also be a factor. People report that low sex drive is one of the most common side effects. Hormonal contraception lowers both testosterone and estrogen, which also affects your libido.

Stress and anxiety 

Stress is the leading cause of people struggling to unleash their sexual energy. When you experience a lot of stress, your brain releases the hormone cortisol. Too much of this hormone leads to a lack of sexual desire. For instance, during the COVID-19 pandemic, many couples said that they had more time to have sex, but they were too stressed to enjoy it. 

During the lockdown, I felt pressured to have sex with my boyfriend. Social media and countless articles were talking about the joys of limitless sex during the quarantine. But that wasn’t my case. I wasn’t feeling sexual at all. Just because we were locked in the same apartment, didn’t mean we forgot about the outside world. But it’s completely normal to feel off in stressful times, especially when the world is panic mode.

Negative body image

Low self-esteem makes it challenging to relax and enjoy pleasure. Instead, you might get nervous and start judging your body and thoughts. Many sex therapists agree that the way we see ourselves and live our lives reflects on our sexuality. If you feel ashamed of your body and the way it looks or feels during sex or masturbation, it takes away your focus from arousal. 

Toxic relationships

Psychological, physical, or sexual violence is a violation of your mind, body, and soul. If you’re in a toxic relationship, you lose a sense of security and respect. Your body can’t be pushed into arousal without your mind reciprocating. Each time you try to have sex, your body goes into a defense stage. 

Sexual health issues

And I’m not only talking about STDs. You might experience a lack of sexual desire if you’re going through other reproductive health issues such as vaginismus, PCOS, endometriosis, or experience an erectile or prostate dysfunction. Also, if you recently had a related surgical procedure, you might want to prioritize recovery instead of forcing yourself to have sex.

Alcohol, smoking, drugs

Alcohol and other drugs work as depressants—large amounts of alcohol lower testosterone levels, affecting your sex drive. While one glass of wine might heat things up, too much of it can lead to a lack of vaginal lubrication and a decreased desire for sex. Also, alcohol and drugs make you feel more fearless, which often leads to unsafe sex and breached boundaries.

Sexual guilt

If you’re coming from a conservative background or where your family or friends talk negatively about sexuality and shame it, it might shape the way you see sex. The heritage of damaging views on sex can make you feel ashamed of yourself, your body, and sexuality. It could also be why some people struggle to reach orgasm during sex or get an erection because they associate sex with shame and not with pleasure.

How To Boost Your Libido

If medication or a medical condition is why you’re experiencing low libido, try consulting with your doctor to find what could be done to improve your sexual function. But not all causes are physical. Your psychology is equally, if not more, important in having a satisfying sex life. The way you see yourself and live your life will influence your sexuality and relationships with people.

But it all starts with small steps you can take right now to boost your libido.

Physical activity to get physical

I mentioned that during the lockdown, my sex drive dropped to its lowest. I was eating more junk food than usual. My physical activity included a walk from my bed to a desk. When the confinement was lifted (I live in Spain), I felt my sexuality surging back to normal. I had more time to exercise, get enough sun and fresh air, eat local food.

It’s important to keep your body active and healthy to have a satisfying sex life. You should find what feels good, and don’t push yourself to fit a certain frame, but some exercises such as jogging, walking, yoga are shown to improve stamina and sexual pleasure. 

Improve your diet

Food is essential as well. Try adding some fatty fish and seafood to your diet. Some say that seafood, such as oysters, works as an aphrodisiac. If you are vegan or vegetarian, add green leafy veggies such as spinach and kale to your diet to boost sexual hormones in your body. 

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Self exploration to discover the causes

Often, we see our sexual pleasure as other people’s responsibility. But it’s not their duty to discover your sexuality if you haven’t done it yourself. Explore your pleasure zones, find what makes your toes curl, and connect with your body. You can’t find fulfillment in a relationship or dating if you don’t have it within you. 

Find the right birth control method

Most of my reproductive years, I’ve been on the pill. Many people take the pill for years without knowing how it affects their sexuality and mental health. Recently, I switched pills, and it came with a bunch of side effects. I noticed that my sexual desire was nowhere to be found. Also, the pill caused vaginal dryness, making sex unpleasant and even painful.

You should know your options to enjoy safe sex. There are plenty of other birth control methods that don’t mess with your hormones as much. The first and foremost is condoms. Condoms prevent unwanted pregnancies and protect you from sexually transmitted diseases. If you are in a monogamous relationship, you can try copper IUD. Although this method is more invasive, it provides long-lasting protection from unwanted pregnancy.

Analyze your relationship

It’s entirely normal to experience periods of no sexual desire in a long-term relationship, but if it affects your life, there might be a problem. Usually, your sex life is the first to suffer when there’s something wrong in a relationship. Perhaps your body sometimes knows better, huh?

For you to feel the desire, a relationship has to check all the boxes. You should feel secure, respected, and your boundaries should be taken seriously. 

If one of these is missing, that is a problem you shouldn’t ignore.

Relax and find your sex zen

The two biggest mood breakers are stress and anxiety. If stress doesn’t let you enjoy your life and has a significantly negative impact on you, perhaps the wisest solution would be to see a therapist. But you can also try some of the stress relief methods such as meditation, sports, or mindful breathing, especially before sex or masturbation.

Mindfulness techniques help you relax before sex or masturbation and increases your chances of reaching an orgasm. A few deep breaths before the act calm your body and muscles, allowing you to delve into pleasure.

So, here you have it. Low sex drive isn’t a death sentence, and it can awaken with a few lifestyle changes. The thing to remember is that if you’re not in the mood, you shouldn’t force yourself to feel aroused. It does more damage than good. 

If you’re in a relationship, you may also want to talk about it with your partner. Communication gives clarity and builds intimacy between you and your partner. And if you keep struggling with your sexuality, it’s better to see a sex therapist to find the right solution for you.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Egle (Instagram @egleraa) is a freelance writer and blogger focused on women’s health, femtech and entrepreneurship. As someone with a keen eye for detail and a dedication to creating compelling content, she thrives on turning words into stories. Egle’s work has been featured in The Startup, Interesting Engineering, and Fearless She Wrote.

Quarantine life during Covid. You're probably not comfortable leaving your house, let alone your room, so the question “how the hell am I going to meet someone?” is an important one to answer. Check out our 5 tips to get your sex life going again.

Throughout history, Black women taught us de-stigmatization, displayed liberation in their sex work, strategized around choice to conceive and control over their bodies, and then fought for their rights so other black women could do the same.

So your girlfriend or partner is a feminist? If she showed you this article — or even if you found it yourself — we trust that you’re a good guy, but maybe you need just a little help or a refresher. Maybe you learned how to be a good boyfriend from your dad, your older brother, a childhood buddy. You learned how to be a chivalrous gentleman: you’re respectful and honest, you bring flowers on the first date, you open the car door for her, etc.

But when it comes to dating a feminist, there’s a big question mark. Can you still do everything you were taught, or is she supposed to get the flowers and open the door for you? Are you allowed to be a feminist, too?  

Don’t worry. We’ve got you covered. Yes, men can be feminists too, here’s how:

Listen

When your partner complains about her coworker who refused to use her ideas, or about the catcaller at the mall, or how she laces her keys between her fingers to stay safe walking home at night… listen. Though you may not understand, take the time to hear her out. And don’t try to solve her problems for her — again, listen. Ask her what she needs, how you can help, or ask more questions to understand her perspective. 

Openly communicate relationship dynamics

Just because your partner is a feminist, doesn’t necessarily mean that she always hates traditional roles and expectations. While she might be open to paying for dates, some feminists think it’s romantic for her partner to pay for the first date. Some feminists always go dutch. In terms of household duties, some women (myself included) prefer to clean the whole house just because they want to do it their way. On the flipside, you may love to cook, while your partner burns toast. Have an open conversation about what you and your partner prefer and are willing to do. 

Believe in her power to choose

Yes, this includes reproductive rights, but it’s not all we’re talking about. Respect your partner’s power to choose what is best for herself in all aspects of her life. Her wardrobe, her diet, her career, and more are all up to her. While she’ll likely be welcome to your input on some things and there will likely be choices that you need to make together, make sure that the choices about her life are ultimately up to her. 

Share responsibility of contraceptives

Be open about your expectations for safer sex practices. 

For condoms, you may have a certain brand and style that feels comfortable to you, but consider that she may have a certain brand that she prefers. Remember, condoms and lube go inside vulvas and vaginas, meaning there may be higher stakes involved when your partner selects condoms. After negotiating brands, make sure you both have a supply (if you live separately) and equally monetarily contribute to purchasing safer sex supplies. 

If your partner chooses to use contraceptives like the pill, ring, IUD, injection, implant, or patch, recognize that this may be a large risk to your partner who may experience uncomfortable side-effects. Be understanding of this experience and defer to the first piece of advice on this list if she shares any complaints with you. 

If you are in a long-term relationship and her contraceptives aren’t fully covered by insurance, consider going halfsies on the cost of her contraceptives. And if you ever have to use emergency contraceptives, consider splitting the cost of this purchase as well. 

Do your own research

Make sure that you aren’t depending on your partner or other women in your life to educate you on feminism. Do some independent work yourself. Doing something as simple as reading a few articles from Babe with the Power, Bustle, Ms., Refinery 29, or Bitch can be helpful in updating you on the latest feminist news. Following a few feminist figures, reading feminist books, watching feminist movies, or listening to feminist podcasts can help encorporate learning about feminism into your every day life. Trust me, she’ll be very impressed when you pull out a feminist fun fact or start talking about feminist news on your next date.

Know (or learn) that feminism is for you too

That’s right, feminism is for EVERYBODY!!! (*Insert Oprah shouting, “You get some feminism, and you get some feminism,” here*) 

Yes, feminism does focus on women because, in most areas of life, women are more disadvantaged and face more gender-based discrimination than men. 

Though it’s not brought to light as often, feminism does look at the ways in which men face more issues than women. Feminists want men to be able to feel less shame about seeking mental health access, to reduce pressure for men to be sole breadwinners, to help men to connect with their children, and more! 

Balance your compliments

Yes, you probably think your girlfriend is the prettiest girl in the room. And, yes, you probably wish you could look at her all day. But you also like her for other reasons too, right? Show her that by switching up the way you compliment her. Next date night, you may love the way she looks when you see her. Compliment her look when you pick her up. At dinner, talk about how proud you are of her effort at work or how she aced her test. Compliment her kindness or her ambition. Later during the night, feel free to hype up her power in the bedroom. 

Have Equitable and Consensual Sex

Cis women are reported to experience less pleasure during sex than cis men. There’s a lot of reasons for this, but you can help be part of the solution for your partner. Studies have shown that couples are often too focused on the Big O, leading to less pleasurable sex (shocking, I know, but stick with us.) People are too focused on getting to the big finale, that they forget to really enjoy the big lead-up. Next time you and your partner have sex, use your time for exploring and communicating. Check on each other throughout to make sure you’re both having a good time (and to make sure everything is consensual.) And, most importantly, don’t forget the power of the clitoris!!!

Don’t be afraid to call yourself a feminist

It’s not a dirty word, gents. As long as you believe in the social, political and economic equality of the sexes, you’re a feminist. Own it and wear that badge with pride!

Have more advice for our feminist fellas? Drop your tips in the comments below!

About The Author

Bailey Shea (@baileykshea on Instagram) is a recent graduate of the University of Connecticut, having received a Bachelor of Arts in English and Communication with a minor in Women’s Studies. She is a strong feminist who hopes to use her future career in publishing and marketing to magnify unheard voices. Outside the writing world, Bailey is an aspiring powerlifter, the human embodiment of a sunflower, and a Taco Bell connoisseur. You can find more of her work at baileykshea.com.